Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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