What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
