About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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