My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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