we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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