It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
