Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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