Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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