just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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