see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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