For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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