DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
BRING THE BAGELS
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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