I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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