Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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