He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
