my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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