If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
