guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
