Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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