I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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