Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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