I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
