life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
