How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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