he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
