i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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