Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
