omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
