eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
