So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
this boner is exhausting
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
