nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
