when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
