I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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