I could have mohawked her pubes.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
