I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
