Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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