Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.