I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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