make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
