I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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