i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize