I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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