i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
