Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
