I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
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