i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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