I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
barbara walters just said penis...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
