I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
