Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
