I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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