The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
