life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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