Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
