I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
